This weekend I spent some time at a lake out in Alabama. I logged a ton of hours on the see-doo, swam with some friends, fished a little, and also realized how pathetically wound up my mind is.
I am an early rise. Real early. And so for a couple of hours before the rest of the group awoke, I was able to take in my coffee, the lake, and some time alone. I have forgotten how great it feels to spend uninterrupted time alone. With God. I enjoy going to the monastery on the other end of town, but somehow it still doesn’t “work” for me. But this was different.
I’ve been wrestling with my mind for some time about feeling like I’ve been holding something back from God. I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something bigger in life. Not that vocational ministry is below me, or that I’m growing out of that. That isn’t the case at all. But I can tell that I haven’t been challenging myself enough to really make a big difference in the world. There’s something bigger that I’m supposed to be doing in addition to vocational ministry. Perhaps it’s supposed to be a “plug-in”.
I think God lives close to the water. At least he seems to be easier to find there. There has been a lot of unresolved prayers the last few months, and during this contemplative morning, I was given a glimpse of resolution. Maybe all it took was a tall cup of Joe, some time staring into the open still water, and me having uninterrupted unadulterated time to think. Listen.
I hate having a poor self esteem, because if I didn’t I would probably just tell you what’s circling in my mind and ask you to pray. But I suppose you can do that regardless of my esteem.
It’s sad that I have to get outside of the church walls to find God. I wish I could have a church next to still water.
